(Note: This was written about a couple years ago on a particularly tough day...)
There are so many shocks to the system at any given time. Yesterday, I was hit with wave after wave of rolling sadness, insecurities and pain.
I have been working non stop on this new adventure of mine, Create & Elevate and I am feeling extra sensitive right now physically, mentally and spiritually. Maybe it's the full moon, maybe it's my hormones and maybe it's me owning my gifts. Either way, my emotions are valid and I could not stop crying yesterday.
I kept working. The struggle was real. I feel like this striving and committed boss lady version of myself might break me wide open in a way that will change me forever… and I am terrified.
I am committed to making my own way in this world. I am 43 years old and have the wherewithal (mostly) to put all my skills into my own basket and make something of it.
Here I am. I feel as though the many empowered past versions of myself are working together, pushing all the muck to the surface. They are cleaning house, making way and making room for all of the new, to flow right in.
The only issue is however, … all of that garbage, all of the choices that lead to disappointment, all of my deep pain filled sorrow and the people associated with all of that, my longing for love and connection, all of my profound grief and all of my insecurities are being pushed to the surface and up against the “safety” glass barrier of my mind.
I can feel the pressure and see it all coming at me, all at once… and I can't stop crying.
I breathe… in with the new… out with the old…
In my mind's eye, or any version of me. I could see my many warrior selves of all ages pushing against this tar like structure and rolling it towards the forefront of my brain. There, thick and sturdy, was a glass wall to keep me “safe” and contained. It was the only thing standing between the muck that kept my many selves small and the freedom of radical ownership.
My present observer self tried to help them, by visualizing the glass shattering… and even though it did shatter, the glass seemed to linger, floating in the air and then immediately rewound itself back into place.
It became as solid as ever. The voices and lies from within the sludge were strong. “You will never be safe.” “Here we go again, just quit.” “This is why you are unlovable.” I had to try again because I have chosen freedom.
This time I visualized using one of those glass shattering hammers with an orange handle. I pulled the hammer back, let it hit the glass. The “safety” wall shattered, falling to the ground.
I mentally stepped back, wanting to see all that muck come pouring out of me like an overflowing oozing volcano and instead the pushing stopped. The amoeba-like tarball froze, smoothed and flattened by being pressed against the safety glass. All was quiet and I know I’ve come to a tipping point. All I can do is observe.
The part of me that is angry and grieving, wanted to slash and hack and pull at the sludge by its hair. My weathered and wise self knew that I didn't want to fight anymore. So, I stepped back, dropped my shoulders and stood quietly... waiting.
I can feel my disappointment, the heaviness of grief and the clearing pressure of awareness. I am braver than I think. This was the moment that I could let go and know.
I mentally sat down. I had to let go, it had to leave me. I waited. I allowed. The sludge was going to leave. It had no place else to go. I didn’t need to struggle anymore.
I breathe in, I surrender, I surrender, I surrender and exhale and let go…
Healing didn’t happen exactly when I thought it would or as I wanted it to. I don’t believe it ever will. I release the need to control the outcome of this journey or any situation and instead trust in the process. I am healing.
Coming face to face with that sludge, facing myself and breaking the damn of self imposed safety, is overwhelmingly emotional, slightly confusing and taxing. I canceled plans yesterday, worried about that choice, kept working, did the next right thing over and over again and went to bed exhausted.
Here I am today, writing my first blog :) quietly watching all that mind chatter, ooze out, turn to iridescent dust particles and drift away in the wind.
I must acknowledge that there is sadness and fear in letting go of the muck too. Letting go of the things that allowed me to make excuses and standing here in my raw vulnerability is scary. I am a work in progress. I want to let go, I have to let go.
The freedom that I have longed for is at hand.
It is an internal freedom that I have chosen. That I am committed to every day.
I see now, in the epic'ness of choosing me over and over again and choosing to be seen in all of my whole hearted authenticity. I am actively pushing out, the thoughts that have held me back and made me smaller. They are coming to the surface to be released. I am making way for paths uncharted, wishes fulfilled and whole hearted connections to be made.
What I learned…
The internal work that I am doing is leading somewhere.
Healing not only takes time, it happens at the exact right time, can’t be forced and is happening even as we speak.
I am capable.
I am okay. All of the chaos and sadness oozing down my cheeks that happened yesterday, is part of the journey and is making more sense now that I have stopped struggling and wrote it out.
I am worthy of being seen, loved and heard.
May this help anyone who needs it.
May we all let go, drop our shoulders and observe the splendor of our sprouting.
May we know how cherished we are.
May we know the peace of our own surrender.
May love, peace and harmony surround us always in all ways.
LOVE & Light Always,
Amanda Lin, Manda, Mandy
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