Flippen Facebook revealed a very recent … like 6/7 months ago exes – engagement. With all their happy, sunset photos. I took the bait of the stupid profile picture and then fell into that rabbit hole.
I want to very much give myself as much #GRACE as I can here. I am glad I know, because now I can stop worrying (BECAUSE I DEFINITELY WAS) that he was heartbroken, and I had done a terrible thing by turning him down. He was so committed, and I wasn’t. It all feels like a manipulation. Which is what makes me feel super upset.
I am tenderhearted and clearly still a little naïve.
I felt so turned off by relationships after we broke up. Like I wanted to throw in the fucking towel and be with myself until the day I die. Which… is happening, of course. I will be with myself as you will be until like infinity…
I can’t stop crying though. My tears feel like a release and a cleansing. I may have loved this dude, and I wasn’t in love with him. I had the little voice in my head saying, “this isn’t right…” the whole time. I gave it a go to make sure I wasn’t letting any of my fears, grief and insecurities keep me from being happy.
I tried.
Clearly, we are both better off.
I surely found though, that I am secure. I am brave in love. In fact, I am a beacon of love, and someone who will no longer shrink or be contained by anyone else’s ignorance’s.
For me, letting go requires tears. It requires me to sit in observation of everything that I truly want, know I have and am, as I release the shit that has been holding me back.
I have realized & continually realize (especially after this relationship, that pushed every boundary I had) that:
I am complete with in myself.
I am whole even when I’m learning more.
I am beautiful - physically, mentally and emotionally.
I know grace and wisdom. They have become my allies.
I know my power as a woman, as a guide and as a partner in relation to my family, friends & clients.
My tears are a cleanse. In grace I will witness them. I allow the truths to surface, embolden me and then be washed away.
It’s just a thought, it’s just a feeling, it’s just a sound.
I had no idea that I would learn so much from a singular relationship. It was like a light warp speed PhD in self-discovery. I am grateful, that I see it that way & that I feel fully grounded in myself. In my beauty. In my gifts.
So, thank you past. And good day.
PS. I don’t feel like I am supposed be married or even in a romantic partnership to live this life fully. I don’t even feel like I would be alone, lonely or NEED that.
I do want it though.
I want the most beautiful right thing for me. And boy, am I willing to learn what that is. Eyes wide open.
... for the rest of my life I will continue to come home to myself and empower you to do the same!
PPS. Blockity block block block block block. The end.
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